I’m sorry. I apologize for my misery. It’s just that I have no one to talk to and it’s only you whom I tell these things. I hope everything will eventually calm down, go back to normal so that we can all be happy. Okay, I’m stopping now. I don’t want to drive you crazy.
I’ve had sleepless nights. I lay in bed and I stay up for hours thinking about everything and nothing. I get to nap in the afternoons sometimes but it’s not the same as sleeping at night. My point? I can’t sleep sometimes because I always end up thinking of you and how I miss you so much. I miss friends, I miss S. I miss my nephews and surprisingly I miss my siblings too. It’s just that missing you is so much harder. I tire myself sometimes so that by the end of the day all I’d want to do is drop dead on my bed, but it doesn’t happen. You have this effect on me. I love you so much, and my heart twitches every time I say it, or whisper it, hoping you can hear it. I’m not painfully in love, it’s just too painful to be away from you.
I have a confession to make. We’ve talked about living in the same house someday right? Seeing each other everyday, waking up side by side every morning, having breakfast together, cooking our favorite dishes, you doing your take home tasks and me doing the dishes or something… It’s a lot to think about, isn’t it? I know that someday it’ll happen. To others, it’ll be two women moving in together. But for me, it’s a woman moving in with the person she loves. I daydream about it. I’ve been watching “One Tree Hill” lately and there’s a lot of “moving in” episodes it makes me think a lot about us (Tree Hill is a drama I watched for a very long time. I fell in love with Peyton Sawyer’s and Brooke Davis’ characters). It’s too early to be even thinking about it, I know. I’m just kinda excited about it, looking forward to it. It’s nice to buy stuff for our house. Like someday I’m going to be buying furniture that you will never like but you’ll let me display it anyway. Or we’ll have schedules posted on our fridge, like I clean the bathroom once a week and you clean the whole house everyday. Hahaha! I’m kidding. Then we’re going to decorate the house! I like to paint our room black and I like to have a big red couch in the living room but we argue because you like yellow walls and a typical sala set and then by 11 o’clock pm we make up and we agree to just paint the house with black and buy the typical sala set. Good compromise huh? Ahahaha!
That’s my confession.
I want to live my life. I want independence. I want to worry about my water bill and my electric bill. I want to worry about paying taxes for my business. I want to be visited by my family and friends in my own house. Want. Want. Want. I’ve been teaching this, in Economics. Want is different from need, blah, blah, blah… It’s kinda ironic, like I know want somehow projects a negative connotation but I want all these because I need to feel alive. I need to know that I am not just the fortunate girl whose parents treat her so special just because she’s been a good daughter. I need to prove something to myself. I need to feel that I’m worth something. And it makes me sad because I think I no longer know where I’m supposed to be. Like my book has been written and I can’t do anything but move on to the pages. There’s no blank space anymore where I can write a new chapter… I pity myself sometimes.
Depression and frustration. That’s where I am now, don’t you think? I guess writing my to-do list before I die is a bad idea because I haven’t done any of them ever since I can remember. I wanted to be a writer you know. Not a big time best-selling novel writer but just someone who can write her thoughts and make people understand, make people relate. I wanted to be a social worker! Build an orphanage for disadvantaged kids, teach acting to the kids in my orphanage, have a coffee shop… Wow, I dream big. And I dream a lot of dreams. Maybe it’s my fault that I feel this way. I used to tell myself one step at a time but I think I need to convince myself more that everything really is one step at a time.
But tell me, it’s not true is it? That there are no more blank pages to fill in, because there still is. A lot actually. I’m just not happy in my place right now that all I can think of are negative things that make me more and more miserable.
I’m a mess, but one thing’s for sure. I miss you and I love you very much. I can’t stand this no internet thing. It sucks. I can’t get in touch with friends and I can’t get in touch with you.
Don’t you find your girlfriend amusing? She talks about her crazy thoughts. She talks about lots of things. Her mind is a carousel of events it’s so colorful to look at. That’s why you love her, right? Oh, and she loves you too. And she’s still falls in love with you every single day. Your daily text messages make her smile in front of her students taking a quiz. Your kisses make her stomach flutter despite the fact that she hasn’t kissed you in a while. Oh, and don’t laugh but she’s gotten used to kissing her cell phone every night (or dawn) before she goes to sleep. Guess why? Hmmm… you’re smiling now. Yes! Her phone’s full of pictures of you. She definitely misses making love to you. She misses your long and passionate kisses. She misses waking up next to you in the morning. She also misses your smell. Your hands holding hers. She misses teasing you and your hair. She misses how you talk a lot when you’re angry with someone. She misses your stories, your lovely text messages about what bothers you…
She misses you a lot. And she can’t wait to see you again.